~TouchOfRed

Well it's been awhile since I posted on here but yeah. I'm going to try and get some more artwork done because I'm spending too much time sitting around and I could be using it to do something productive. Probably expect some car vectors from me soon, I'm working on the chargespeed S2000 at the moment.
That's it for now

Meh. I feel crappy. My dog is gone, he got sent away to my Mum's house. I don't really care much that he's gone more than no one even cared to tell me he was gone. My job is crap and I hate it, it's so hard to get up and go every morning. My girlfriend seems to spend as much time talking to her ex-boyfriends as she does to me. I hate to moan about things, I know everyone has their problems but sometimes you just have to let it out. I want to go on a holiday but I can't afford it. I want to take Clara somewhere but I can't afford to and it's pretty depressing.
I keep having thoughts about how she'll end up leaving me when she comes to her senses and realises I'm not that great or remember how much she felt for one of her ex's. Then she might think about how life would be with them now or how she would feel doing things we've done but with those other guys instead and all that makes me feel worse. I trust Clara and I love her with all my heart but sometimes I think she doubts our relationship, at least it feels like she does. I never doubt it and I don't think I ever come across that I am doubting it either. Does the fact she doubts us mean that she thinks it won't work out or is it that I'm just so afraid of loosing her I take things to heart, too seriously and convince myself something is wrong when really nothing is?
I don't know what to think really, this stuff always goes around in my head and I never let it out. Clara is the only thing I have in my life that seems to make it worth the effort of the things I do, like going to work or taking care of myself or being friendly to people I dislike. I know everyone has ex's and sometimes they're involved in each others lives but I know she would be upset if I still spoke to my ex's and she spends so much time talking to me about hers. I just don't know what to make of it.
Another thing that's been on my mind is God. I became a Christian recently, something I never really thought I'd do but it's been good so far. I don't really like the singing in church and for whatever reason I still feel like I don't belong there, like I don't fit in but I still want to go and learn and try to be what I feel like I'm supposed to be. I've thought about it so much I thought I was going to go crazy - in the end I just realised that all my life I'd had faith, faith in life. I've always said 'don't worry it'll work out' and things like that now I just have to direct my faith to God. He'll make things work out, if it's His will. It's not the easiest thing to do but I do belive it's right. My Granda is in hospital right now with heart problems. I pray that she'll get better but I have a horrible feeling in my gut that she's not going to be okay. I hope I'm wrong.
I'm trying to sell some of my stuff I don't need anymore on ebay so I can have some money to do a few things like take a holiday and get my exhaust paid off and stuff. It's so hard to save money these days and bills and debts just seem to breed - it's crazy.
Anyway in lighter news my car is finally fixed so I can drive again. I love driving it's good for thinking and it's pretty fun plus I get to listen to music all the time. I love driving Clara around too, I feel like we're in our own little world when we're cruising down the freeways.

Sorry to the people who've left comments and messages that I haven't responded too, DA hasn't been very high on my list of things too do lately and I have a new blog rather than just using this for one. If you want the link just message me and I'll give it. I'll try to do something to post here soon, I keep starting things but never finish them.
I've been working on Gradient meshing and I've come up with some pretty cool things so maybe I'll get a project started when I have a little more time, maybe during the holidays heh. I hope your all well and I'm still checking out all your art just not commenting, sorry for that but.. well you know.

I'm really getting sick of people making me feel stupid, my boss has been a real prick lately and I'm not sure why but he keeps undermining me in front of the people I'm supposed to be in charge of and it's not making life easy. Thing is I know how he talks about the other workers when they're not around so I figure he's probably saying the same things about me too. I never really thought about it much before, I'm planning to leave the job and enter a mechanics pre-apprentice course soon but I'd like to have the option of part time work.. it kind of sucks working there now though so I don't know maybe I'll just leave all together. Work place politics are so stressful.
It seems every day I upset her. I know she loves me and I know I love her. I try so hard to be everything I know she wants me to be but I always end up doing something wrong. It kind of makes me wonder when people say things like "when you meet the one you'll know it". I know it now but I always figured the reason I'd know it was because it would be a perfect relationship where neither party ever gets upset. I suppose that's unrealistic. I just wish I didn't make her sad and it worries me so much that I keep doing it, how much can she take before it's too much, will she just get fed up with it and leave me? I hope not.

I hate using this journal to have a big whinge but there isn't really many people who read it and there isn't many people I can talk to anywhere else so I guess it doesn't matter, heh. Well that's it from me for now.

I'm happy and life is good, I've pretty much given up on doing anything to post here now because it's too time consuming and time is something I don't have much spare, I promised myself I'll try and do something this month so we'll see.

Then there is Clara, she is the one. I'm kind of waking up to the fact that I hadn't really loved a person until I met her, well I thought I had but it wasn't love. Apart from like my family of course but what I feel now is alot stronger than that even. Hard to describe... don't really know what else to say, it's late.

Okay so I'm probably a little (alot) biased but I've had this [link] stuck in my head for awhile now. I know a few of you who read my journal write poetry so maybe you'll appreciate this, I think it's really good. Don't forget to leave a comment for her too, no good telling me what you think, let her know.

In other news, I'm going away for awhile on Sunday. Bit of a holiday down south with Clara and I can't wait. Also means a week off work too so it's like twice as awesome as just a weekend away. Um that's about it really, I'm moving out again sometime soon so that's kind of exciting... oh and I got a new double bed which is awesome too and that's about it.

Pointless DA journal entry +1